JohnBob.Net - Words of Wit and Wisdom

"A lot of wisdom with just a dash of wit for flavor"

A poem my mother loved. Fall was her favorite time of year.

September
The goldenrod is yellow, the corn is turning brown;
The trees in the apple orchards with fruit are bending down.
The gentian's bluest fringes are curling in the sun;
In dusty pods the milkweed its hidden silk has spun.

The sedges flaunt their harvest in every meadow nook;
And asters by the brookside make asters in the brook.
From dewy lanes at morning the grapes's sweet odors rise;
At noon the roads all flutter with yellow butterflies.
By all these lovely tokens September days are here,
With summer's best of weather and autumn's best of cheer.

Helen Hunt Jackson

Gardening Quotes

A flower is an educated weed. - Luther Burbank
With a few flowers in my garden, half a dozen pictures and some books, I live without envy. - Lope de Vega
Laying out grounds may be considered a liberal art, in some sort like poetry and painting. - Wordsworth
With landscaping, you never seem to reach a point when you feel the job is complete. - author unknown
Here odoriferous herbs and flowers grow . . . Useful to those who do their virtues know. - author unknown
If you would be happy your whole life long, Become a gardener. - Old Chinese Proverb
If well managed, nothing is more beautiful than a kitchen-garden. - William Cobbett
The best stock a man can invest in, is the stock of a farm; the best shares are plow shares; and the best banks are the fertile banks of a rural stream; the more these are broken the better dividends they pay. - H.W. Beecher
My Father's Philosphy on Life:

Other Great Quotes

"I think cats should be classified as a liquid" Calvin talking to Hobbes (boy I miss them).
We believe in prompt service, no matter how long it takes...
"There are two kinds of people in this world: those who divide people into two kinds and those who don't." - Robert Benchley
"It's easy to tell the best man at a nudist wedding." - Flip Wilson
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Woman are good for only one thing......cleaning house.
"I've never killed anyone, but I've read some obituaries with great satisfaction." - Mark Twain
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet, it has absolutely no trade-in value.
A mother can take care of 5 children.... but 5 children cannot take care of one mother.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot. Anyone driving faster than you is a maniac.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither. - Steve Martin
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." - Drew Carey
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - George Burns
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." - Lynn Lavner
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". Eleanor Roosevelt
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. George Burns
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' Joe Namath
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. George Burns
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W.C. Fields
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words . . . . . . Woody Allen
Those are my principles; if you don't like them...... I have others." Groucho Marx
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. Mark Twain

Teacher to Class --: "Children, you will now tell me what you would like to be when you grow up?"
First Pupil --: "My name is Dan. When I grow up to be a man, I'm going to Siam, If I can, and I think I can."
Second Pupil --: "My name is Sadie. When I grow up to be a lady, I want to have a baby if I can, and I think I can."
Third Pupil --: "My name is Sam. When I grow up to be a man, I won't give a damn about Siam - but I'd like to help Sadie with her plan, if I can, and I think I can."; From the back of an old business card for Three Way Service Station in Haysi, VA. - Phone No. 3202

Butz-isms
Dad's nickname was Butz. Quotable Quotes from my dad, Lawrence, who pass away in April 2002 at the ripe old age of 84...

Faster than shit through a tin horn !
Hotter than a red wagon !
I'll be go to hell
YOU STUPID OX ! !
Hope to SHIT !
Then you ain't got nothin'
I'll spank your butt-n-hinder !
Better get this shit ate up !
Something Physic'd me
If that ain't so - I'll kiss your ass in Tidtke's window!
(you have to be from the Toledo area to appreciate that one)
We can't afford new clothes for you so we'll buy some red paint and paint your ass red.
Quit yer cryin or I'll give you something to cry about !!
We'll trade you off for a dog and shoot the dog !
Eat your crust - it'll give you rosy cheeks.
She's a little 'long in the tooth.'
Hey Dad, What's for supper? "Fried farts and pickled assholes!"

Weather forecasting from my dad!

If there's bubbles in the puddles when it's raining, it'll rain again tomorrow.
If the catepillars are solid colors and dark - nasty winter coming.
If the catepillars are striped - mild winter coming.
Red sky at night - sailors delight... Red sky in the morning - sailors take warning.

An Old Farmer's Advice:

The wise farmer likes the assurance -- and insurance -- of a reliable team of horses to fall back on in case something happens to the tractor. The Old Farmer's Almanac, 1949
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
If you always tell the truth, you never have to lie.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And leave the rest to your God

A Great Old Cooking Poem
We may live without poetry, music and art;
We may live without conscience and live without heart;
We may live without friends; we may live without books;
But civilized man cannot live without cooks.

He may live without books--what is knowledge but grieving?
He may live without hope--what is hope but deceiving?
He may live without love--what is passion but pining?
But where is the man that can live without dining?
Owen Meredith - Taken from "The Use and Care of Miracle Maid Cook-Ware" book from the Advance Aluminum Castings Corp., Chicago 32. Copyright 1948.

Taps
Every evening in my town, if you listen at nine o'clock, you will hear a beautiful rendition of 'Taps' soulfully drifting across the air. When I first heard this, I envisioned an elderly gentleman... a war veteran... standing proudly at attention on his front porch... a warn, tarnished trumpet to his lips... paying tribute to his fallen comrades from wars past.

I have since learned that the local church's organ is programmed to play this every evening. Still... it warms and relaxes the soul just the same... a finishing touch to a quiet evening.

John Robert Lucas

Quotes from John, hisself...

Only Reba McEntire can sing "Him" and make it sound like a three syllable word.
Everyone should have a Grandpa Walton
Who does Bill Gates curse when his computer crashes?
Hey MacDonalds - I don't care how much you try to convince us otherwise, your fries SUCK!
I remember when trying on a ring did not require removing your shoe.
I remember when dog collars were worn only by dogs.
If someone is tailgating you, odds are they will turn off within the next mile or so. I've observed this many times and about 80% of the time, the car will turn off. I have no idea why.
Actually... if you really think about it... the man who washes his hands before he uses the restroom is the smarter man.

Recent Handy or Great Inventions

Dimmer switch on the turn signal lever

Frozen Pepsi (instead of Coke)

Upsidedown ketchup bottle